Sunday, February 11, 2007

Running Commentary of the Grammys


I haven't posted in a while, so I came up with the brilliant idea to do a running commentary of the 49th Annual Grammys. Unfortuantely I started late, so I can fill you in on what has happened so far: The Police reunited, Mary J. Blige already won two awards, Justin Timberlake did some weird performance where he carried a camera and filmed himself while he sang, Stevie Wonder and Tony Bennett won an award for a song that Steve Wonder wrote over 30 years ago (way to be orginal Tony), everyone loves the Dixie Chicks now because everyone's realized they were right about Bush, Beyonce performed underwhelmingly once again (so overrated) and there have been wayyyyy too many commercial breaks. Just another year at the Grammys

8:45- Stevie Wonder gets up on stage for the second time tonight, still looking like he has no idea where he is. Well come to think of it, he doesn't have any idea where he is. Anyway, as usual, he makes no sense and continues to prove my theory that he's the world's biggest closet alcoholic

8:47- Nice little collaborative effort from John Legend, Corinne Bailey Rae and John Mayer. Yes John Mayer. Still haven't figured out why him, but let's get beyond that and focus on the fact that he looks like he has turrets when he plas the guitar. God I hate John Mayer. Plus, it's rumored he's dating Jessica Simpson, which makes me hate him that much more. Keep waiting on the world to change there, John.

8:56- Collaboration still going on. Really would love for this to end here. Bring back J-Tim and his crazy camera.

8:57- This just in: Nelly Furtado is smoking.

8:58- BOOOO. John Mayer beats J-Tim for Best Pop Vocal Album. How does a guy who is famous for playing the guitar and looks like Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands win for best VOCAL album?? Have you ever seen Edward Scissorhands? Mayer should be locked away just for that.

8:59- After just a terrible speech from Mayer, we're again told that we have a chance to vote for who will perform later in the show with Justin Timberlake. There are three girls in the audience who have been chosen out of thousands, and we can vote for who wins, despite only hearing about a 5 second clip of each one singing. If I was one of these chicks, I would have just gone on American Idol. They definately would have won and would have been much more popular.

9:04- Shakira and Wyclef perform the Hips Don't Lie song. Great song, great performance. It really should be illegal the way Shakira moves.

9:09- Seal and Burt Bacharach present the song of the year award. Um, Seal, why are you even there? Why would you ever leave Heidi Klum's side? Bacharach makes things even more awkward by going off script and asking Seal to write a song with him, even though it's obvious Seal definately doesn't want to. But of course now he has to, since he said he would on national TV. That Bacharach, what a genius.

9:11- Dixie Chicks win for song of the year, "Not Ready to Make Nice." Hmm, political statement anyone? Let's see how much coverage CNN gives to this tomorrow. I'm betting it'll be Dixie Chicks and Anna Nicole all day tomorrow. Way to inform our country about the important stuff.

9:14- Honestly, how much money did Chevy spend on advertising this year?First we're subjected to the awful "This is Our Country Song" for months on end, now I've seen the new commercial with Mary J. Blige, Big and Rich, T.I. and Dale Earnhardt Jr. about 5 times since the Grammys started. When I get a car, it won't be a Chevy, that's for sure.

9:16- Does anyone ever see Dennis Hopper and not think of Speed? I know I don't.

9:17- If you're not excited to see Nicholas Cage as a motorcycle bandit with a flaming skull, you should probably go see a doctor. Ghost Rider. Friday. You know were I'll be.

9:19- Grateful Dead are honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award. Somehwhere, Bill Walton is lighting up a joint in rememberance of Jerry Garcia.

9:20- Performance by Gnarls Barkley. Guess what song? This song is fucking making me crazy. Stop. Please. Not only is this song overplayed, but it's being sang really slow by a guy wearing a airline pilot's uniform. How did this make the cut? Who makes these decisions? Horrible.

9:23- Common and Kanye West present best rap album. Kanye needs to go away for a little while, seriously. He's just too full of himself. Predictably, Ludacris wins for best rap album. Can't really argue with that. Plus, he's just got the coolest sounding voice ever. And he gave a shout out to Oprah and Bill O'Really. Good stuff.

9:30- An open question to the people of America. How can you make CBS the most wached network?? Not only that, how is Two and a Half Men the number one comedy on TV??? Shows like Arrested Development get cancelled, but this garbage thrives. This country really makes no sense sometimes.

9:33- I think Terrance Howard is my new favorite actor. He just always looks so cool. Here comes Mary J. Another redemption story.

9:35- Nice performace by Mary J. She does have probably the best voice since early Whitney. Too bad people like Beyonce and Fergie get all the press.

9:38- Mandy Moore. My night just keeps getting better. Unfortunately, they're announcing best country album. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the Dixie Chicks will win this.

9:40- Surprise!! Let's add to the media circus tomorrow. There was a movie called Shut Up and Sing made about how all these country hicks started to hate the Dixie Chicks after they spoke out against Bush. Guess we know who was right now...

9:44- Heineken commercial with Jermaine DuPree and Lil Jon. Congrats Heineken, as if your shitty beer wasn't enough, you've now given me even more reason to not buy your beer ever again.

9:48- Reba McEntire introduces Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts. For some reason, Reba's always rubbed me the wrong way. Carrie, however, does not. Although this country music is making my ears bleed. I really hate country music.

9:53- Rascal completely destroys Hotel California. There are very few songs that only one person or band should perform, and Hotel California is one of them. It just does not sound the same if The Eagles aren't singing it. I hope this is over soon.

9:54- Carrie Underwood singing Desperado. This song just makes me laugh everytime I hear it for mulitple reasons I can't even begin to go in to. She does a good job though. Plus it doesn't hurt that she's hot.

9:57- Rascal Flatts sings again. I'm a little confused, because I was udner the impression that the lead singer's name was Rascal Flatts, but I think now that it might just be the band's name. Either way, can they just go away? There's no way Carrie Underwood should have to split camera time with these scrubs. Also, I'm predicting this now- Carrie Underwood=new June Carter. You heard it here first, and you can tell me I was right in 10 years.

10:00- Best New Artist Grammy goes to Carie Underwood. Anytime she's on camera is great. She's the second American Idol to win a Grammy, behind Kelly Clarkson, but is still the hottest American Idol.

10:06- Again with Two and a Half Men. Just makes me angry everytime I see it. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!!!!

10:08- Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci introduce Smokey Robinson. Has there ever been a hotter/freakier/scarier girl than Christina Ricci? She scares the fuck out of me, but she's banging. I mean, she fell in love with Casper. Only she could do that and get away with it.

10:09- It had to have taken Smokey a good 3 hours to get into the pants he's wearing. Plus, he looks like he's possessed. I'm scared for everyone at the Grammy's right now.

10:11- Lionel Richie performs. You know, for some reason I've always liked Lionel. He's got a silky smooth voice, can play the piano, has some good songs and hasn't cracked despite having to field about 1,000 questions a day about his 25 pound daughter. Two words: weight gainer.

10:13- Unfortuantely, the performance by two legends is ruined by the third act, Chris Brown, doing some Riverdance type shit with a mask on his face. He barely even sings either, he just does some dance act. So terrible. Can we just get rid of these awful performers please? I will guarantee that Chris Brown will last about another year tops. Remember Ricky Martin? Yea, Chris, meet Ricky. See ya later.

10:17- Out of nowhere, Christina Aguilera pops out of the stage and starts singing. Great voice, but she needs to start slutting it up again. That's when she was really great. I'm talking Genie in a Bottle style.

10:19- Quick recap here. Back in the early 90s, we had Justin, Christina and Britney in the Mickey Mouse Club. Justin's huge and performed once already tonight, Christina is performing now, and Britney...well...let's just say I think we know who the real winner is: K-Fed.

10:21- So you're telling me John Legend isn't gay? Really?

10:22- Am I the only one who is just wishing that Jared from the Subway commercials gains back all that weight he lost, plus like another 50 for kicks? I can't be the only one rooting for this.

10:23- Chevy commercial for the 20th time tonight. Seriously, every other commercial break.

10:28- The usual montage of singers and performers wo have passed away over the past year. Huge ovation for James Brown. No mention that he was a huge drug addict.

10:37- David Spade and Rihanna inroduce Luacris with Mary J. Blige and Earth Wind and Fire. David Spade? Is that a joke? Goot say though, it's weird seeing Ludacis with a clean haircut and a tuxedo. He looks like an actual music artist. Good performance though.

10:43- James Blunt gets up to do his only song, Beatiful. Enough already. We get it. Go back to England and cry about it. Doesn't anyone realize that he keeps singing the same words and playing the same chords over and over again?

10:47- I don't watch Reno 911, but I might actually go see the movie. Looks funny as hell.

10:52- Time for the announcement to see who sings wih J-Tim. And it's the hottest of the three girls, Robyn Troup. Look at Justin playing the guitar though. The girl's got a great voice too. Definately getting a record deal tomorrow. Of course T.I. comes out to sing also, pretty much cause he wants to get with Robyn. Saw right through that.

10:58- Quentin Tarantino and Tony Bennett are on to present Record of the Year. Who came up with these pairings?? Tarantino is such a fucking weirdo. Only he could come up with Pulp Fiction. I'll say Mary J. Blige is going to win this, although Dixie Chicks could be the political favorites.

11:00- Dixie Chicks Dominate Grammys- Shut Up Middle America

11:06- The commercial breaks are geting longer

11:08- Chris Rock is on to introduce the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Gotta love the Chili Peppers- they really have been the most consistently good band over the past 10 -15 years. And they're always so good when you see them live.

11:13- Al Gore and Queen Latifah come on to present the awrd for Best Rock Album. By far the best pairing of the night. Al Gore, go away, please. I hope John Mayer doesn't win.

11:15- Red Hot Chili Peppers take home the award. Nice short speech, and a nice cut to John Mayer in the crowd. I wish he would have been crying.

11:17- Chevy commercial. Again. Also, all of T.I.'s songs are starting to sound the same.

11:22- Another Chevy commercial. That's two this break.

11:23- Don Henley and Scarlett Johansson on to present the award for Album of the Year. God, Scarlett is so hot. Will Dixie Chicks win it again? Again as long as John Mayer doesn't, I'll be happy

11:25- Wow. I really don't think anyone saw this coming. You know, you have to be happy for them. For the past three years, the Dixie Chicks have been bad mouthed, had their record boycotted and even received death threats. All because they expressed their freedom of speech and spoke out against one of the worst presidents in our country's history. As one of the women said, I think this is a sign of people using their freedom of speech to show support for the group. And as someone who is and has been in agreement with everything that was said, I can say that I was happy to see the Dixie Chicks finally see success tonight.

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